It's two posts today! Check out another new one below...
Well, for my first post...I did a little of inner debating...I've bounced back and forth over the past few days as to whether I should I really be posting about what I'm about say...
I've ended up doing so. If not, I'd really be defeating one of the purposes of an online journal...at least in my eyes.
A lot of you are saying, "Get to the point!"...what's the big deal??
Here's what happened...Last Wednesday evening, I'm sitting in my office at work doing my usual business. Actually, doing a bit of catchup work since I took the previous day off to shake off a cold I had. But that's beside the point...
I hear my cell phone ring, which is a miracle in itself seeing how I barely get any reception in my office. The caller ID shows that it's a call from my parents in Florida. I pick up the phone and through the crackles and dropouts, I figure out that it's my dad calling me. I tell him that I'll call him back on a land line. So, I do...
Now, keep in mind, it's very rare that my dad calls me, so already I'm a bit worried. He sounds a bit agitated...within seconds, he cuts to the chase and asks me, "Are you gay?!?" He then goes on to tell me that he saw my website. As my friends can attest to, I have always vowed that knowing what I put on my site, if any of my parents ever asked me that question, I would answer truthfully. So, I said "YES."
And so it happened...something I had feared doing, but finally did (by roundabout way of this website)...I came out to my dad. Unsurprisingly, he wasn't too pleased. He said a number of unpleasant things and long story short..I've joined the ranks of Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster in his world, because to him, I no longer exist. Cut. That's a wrap. He no longer wants me to be part of his life. As calmly as I could, I said, "if that's how you feel, I'll respect that." And within seconds it was over. I put the phone down. I think to myself, "OH MY GOD...I can't believe that just happened." I had always pictured this happening in person in a sit-down talk. I never saw this going on over the phone and being over and done with in a five-minute period. But despite all this...THIS was the reaction I had expected and feared. I snap out of it realizing I'm still at work and get my bearings back together in time to attend a meeting.
There's a bright coda to this though... After the meeting, I see that I have a voicemail on my cell phone. I wait until I hop in the car to listen to it...it's my mom. She called to see if I'm doing ok and to tell me that she still loves me. Amazing...truly amazing...We talk the next morning and she and I talk about how what we both know...my dad's old-fashioned in his ways. He's always been a bit hard-headed. She goes on to tell me not to worry about it and to keep on doing what I'm doing as long as I'm happy and successful. Geez, I love her. It's a true testament to what a remarkable, strong woman my mother is and how I had been silly to keep this in hiding for so long.
Honestly, this is really what I expected in terms of reactions from both of them. It's been something that had been playing out in my head for at least the past ten years, but finally became a reality a week ago. I don't why it took me so damn long. I have some regrets that I had to get to it in a roundabout way by being coy and posting lots of double-talk on my site. Though I admit, in the past year or so, you really didn't need a magnifying glass to read between the lines!
Am I upset by all this? Let's put it this way...I'm not happy about how it turned out in spite of expecting this would be the result. However, I'm not losing sleep over it. Plus, I feel such a burden lifted off my shoulder as coming out to my parents was the last big hurdle in my coming out process. There's no more hiding any more. It's all finally out in the open.
And this is how I see things. I can't change the way my dad thinks no more than he can make me straight...There is one difference though. Opinions are changeable...whereas I can't change my sexuality.
Thanks to everybody who has been supportive throughout this. My friends have proven themselves to be my extended family by being a soundboard as I tell them about this latest drama in my life. And most of all, a big thanks to my mom who's been following this site for the past few months. I hope she can still head out here next month, so I can finally introduce her properly to the rest of the gang out here.
