Mama-say, mama-sah, mama moo-sah!
Well, last night was the moment I was looking forward to this sweeps month...it was CBS's presentation of Michael Jackson's 30th Anniversary CRAP-tacular and boy was it craptastic!
Christie and Adam joined Ted, Larry, and me in the festivities after they had sampled the night's new edition of "Buffy." The show opened not with Marlon Brando's original intro which consisted of a reminder that children are being hacked to death in Third-world countries, but instead with Samuel L. Jackson prepping us for a rendition of "Wanna Be Starting Something" with Mya, Usher, and the living corpse of Whitney Houston. Usher and Mya came dancing along with people in what looked at first to be caveman outfits. The two's performances were all right, but Mya's sparked what would become the evening's game: "Lip-synching or not lip-synching?" I thought, "nahh, it's not," but the others were convinced she was. Upon closer inspection (thanks to some instant replaying on the TiVO), it did look like she was. But that was certainly not the highlight of this number...that honor is reserved for the appearance of the living corpse of Whitney Houston. Ted said something to the effect that they had brought out one of the robots from A.I. Damn, she's skinny...hell, I look like a buddha standing next to her. As Whitney gasps out her part of the song there's more dancing, a little fire-eating, and Mya and Usher doing their best Mary Martin's flying above the Madison Square Garden stage. Gawd, this is going to be a good show!
After a commercial break, we're treated to Billy Gilman's rendition of "Ben." While there's no question that this boy's going to be joining the team, Ted and Adam get into a little debate about whether Billy is going to be cute or not when he grows up. Ted says "yes." Adam says "no." I say "oh my, look at Macauley sitting next to Michael...I think he's getting jealous of Billy!"
Then after a performance by Shaggy (to which Michael was seen saying to the LizTaylor2001sitting next to him: "I love this guy"), there was a performance of "Heal the World" by nobody whom I recognized...except Mya, but that's because I saw her at the beginning in the show. Is that Beyonce? Is that Shania? Where's Chaka Kahn?!?" It is then that I realize that I should have spent a month watching TRL to bone up on my who's who in the pop/R&B world before watching this craptacular. The number is interspersed with the many faces of Michael Jackson holding poor, sick, foreign children and handing huge checks to them. The number is capped off by a chorus of more children singing while Michael, Macauley, and the LizTaylor2001 blankly watch...
The rest of the first hour consists of more renditions of Michael Jackson songs that are about as lifeless as the right side of Liza Minnelli's face. Speaking of which, what was up with her performance of "You Are Not Alone?" My goodness, what was she wearing on her face?!? For a second there, I think I had switched to Kabuki Theater.
Then, came the moment we'd all been waiting for: the return of the Jacksons to the stage. The LizTaylor2001 was wheeled out, plugged in, and cranked up to introduce the Jacksons. I think somebody forgot to oil up L.T.2001's mouth because it wasn't moving at all as it slurred through a flaccid intro to the Jacksons.
Cue pyrotechnics...cue shots of audience members crying...cue me crying at the fact that the show was only half-over and there was still a whole hour of this to go. All the Jacksons were there with all the moves they were famous for singing a medley of the songs we love beginning with one of my favorites: "Can You Feel It?" Christie was having flashbacks to watching them on Mike Douglas and Merv Griffin, while Ted and I were having flashbacks of seeing that really cool "Can You Feel It?" video where they spread the glitter all over the world and Michael Jackson was still black. It was clear though that it really wasn't about the Jackson reunion, it was all about Michael. Michael leading off the dance moves, Michael standing over that damn air vent (keep a tight grip on your nose!), and Michael making young girls scream and cry (yeah, right...). And you know, the other Jackson brothers seemed to be holding their own. Jermaine, though, looked like he just stepped off from his day job as the captain of "The Love Boat." There were more songs with the family interpersed with more shots of girls crying and gratuitous shots of current celebrities like "O-Town" to try to convince us that Michael Jackson is still relevant in today's society.
After the reunion, was Michael Jackson solo singing (or lip-synching?) some of his most famous numbers. His version of "The Way You Make Me Feel" had video bits of him with women interspersed to remind us that he IS heterosexual with a strong libido for women. Slash popped in for "Black or White" and "Beat It" and we were treated to a half-hearted rendition of his legendary Motown Anniversary performance of "Billie Jean." By then, he'd worn out his welcome. Ted and Larry had fallen asleep, Adam and Christie left, and I was pissed that he didn't do "P.Y.T." or anything from "Off the Wall." But Liza, Macauley (in a different shirt and seat!), and the LizTaylor2001 watched produdly as their elfin king soldiered on...
Ya know, I used to have respect for Michael Jackson. He was a very talented guy and "Off the Wall" and "Thriller" stand as two of the greatest albums in pop history. BTW, you should all check out the new remastered versions of those albums. They've got great commentary tracks by Quincy Jones and Rod Temperton. It's like the audio equivalent of a DVD. But man, ol' Jacko is such a shadow of his former self. He could not even bear to look at the audience. It was like somebody jammed a quarter up his ass like a jukebox to drone out his greatest hits. And the new stuff really doesn't do much for me. In fact aside from the track here or there like "Scream," "Black or White," and "Smooth Criminal," he hasn't put out a consistently good album since "Thriller." This special, while it looked like it was intended to be a two-hour informercial as to why Michael Jackson should matter to us now (geez, I was expecting Ron Popeil to show up saying "if you act now, we'll throw in Tito!"), ended up being a reminder that he USED to be great, but for some reason, he just ain't..and he should realize that people "just can stop loving him" and he's gotta "make that change." Sorry, that was "bad..." D'oh! Oops...I did it again...wait...oh, screw it...
Some other final thoughts and observations...I know this was taped over two days, but still, it seemed like Macauley Culkin was changing seats and clothes after every number. I wonder if he was just a seat filler like those people at the Oscars...And I was also disappointed at the absence of Emmanuel Lewis from the ceremonies and the non-inclusion of Michael's duet with Britney Spears of "The Way You Make Me Feel"...though Ted probably would have beaten me up if I started ragging on that. (I wonder if Britney thought "The Way You Make Me Feel" was a song by Lionel Richie...) Finally, I think Alien Ant Farm was totally gypped in this...Their version of "Smooth Criminal" stands as THE definitive Michael Jackson tribute to date. Seeing that with Michael Jackson joining them would have validated the existence of this tribute concert...
Well, last night was the moment I was looking forward to this sweeps month...it was CBS's presentation of Michael Jackson's 30th Anniversary CRAP-tacular and boy was it craptastic!
Christie and Adam joined Ted, Larry, and me in the festivities after they had sampled the night's new edition of "Buffy." The show opened not with Marlon Brando's original intro which consisted of a reminder that children are being hacked to death in Third-world countries, but instead with Samuel L. Jackson prepping us for a rendition of "Wanna Be Starting Something" with Mya, Usher, and the living corpse of Whitney Houston. Usher and Mya came dancing along with people in what looked at first to be caveman outfits. The two's performances were all right, but Mya's sparked what would become the evening's game: "Lip-synching or not lip-synching?" I thought, "nahh, it's not," but the others were convinced she was. Upon closer inspection (thanks to some instant replaying on the TiVO), it did look like she was. But that was certainly not the highlight of this number...that honor is reserved for the appearance of the living corpse of Whitney Houston. Ted said something to the effect that they had brought out one of the robots from A.I. Damn, she's skinny...hell, I look like a buddha standing next to her. As Whitney gasps out her part of the song there's more dancing, a little fire-eating, and Mya and Usher doing their best Mary Martin's flying above the Madison Square Garden stage. Gawd, this is going to be a good show!
After a commercial break, we're treated to Billy Gilman's rendition of "Ben." While there's no question that this boy's going to be joining the team, Ted and Adam get into a little debate about whether Billy is going to be cute or not when he grows up. Ted says "yes." Adam says "no." I say "oh my, look at Macauley sitting next to Michael...I think he's getting jealous of Billy!"
Then after a performance by Shaggy (to which Michael was seen saying to the LizTaylor2001sitting next to him: "I love this guy"), there was a performance of "Heal the World" by nobody whom I recognized...except Mya, but that's because I saw her at the beginning in the show. Is that Beyonce? Is that Shania? Where's Chaka Kahn?!?" It is then that I realize that I should have spent a month watching TRL to bone up on my who's who in the pop/R&B world before watching this craptacular. The number is interspersed with the many faces of Michael Jackson holding poor, sick, foreign children and handing huge checks to them. The number is capped off by a chorus of more children singing while Michael, Macauley, and the LizTaylor2001 blankly watch...
The rest of the first hour consists of more renditions of Michael Jackson songs that are about as lifeless as the right side of Liza Minnelli's face. Speaking of which, what was up with her performance of "You Are Not Alone?" My goodness, what was she wearing on her face?!? For a second there, I think I had switched to Kabuki Theater.
Then, came the moment we'd all been waiting for: the return of the Jacksons to the stage. The LizTaylor2001 was wheeled out, plugged in, and cranked up to introduce the Jacksons. I think somebody forgot to oil up L.T.2001's mouth because it wasn't moving at all as it slurred through a flaccid intro to the Jacksons.
Cue pyrotechnics...cue shots of audience members crying...cue me crying at the fact that the show was only half-over and there was still a whole hour of this to go. All the Jacksons were there with all the moves they were famous for singing a medley of the songs we love beginning with one of my favorites: "Can You Feel It?" Christie was having flashbacks to watching them on Mike Douglas and Merv Griffin, while Ted and I were having flashbacks of seeing that really cool "Can You Feel It?" video where they spread the glitter all over the world and Michael Jackson was still black. It was clear though that it really wasn't about the Jackson reunion, it was all about Michael. Michael leading off the dance moves, Michael standing over that damn air vent (keep a tight grip on your nose!), and Michael making young girls scream and cry (yeah, right...). And you know, the other Jackson brothers seemed to be holding their own. Jermaine, though, looked like he just stepped off from his day job as the captain of "The Love Boat." There were more songs with the family interpersed with more shots of girls crying and gratuitous shots of current celebrities like "O-Town" to try to convince us that Michael Jackson is still relevant in today's society.
After the reunion, was Michael Jackson solo singing (or lip-synching?) some of his most famous numbers. His version of "The Way You Make Me Feel" had video bits of him with women interspersed to remind us that he IS heterosexual with a strong libido for women. Slash popped in for "Black or White" and "Beat It" and we were treated to a half-hearted rendition of his legendary Motown Anniversary performance of "Billie Jean." By then, he'd worn out his welcome. Ted and Larry had fallen asleep, Adam and Christie left, and I was pissed that he didn't do "P.Y.T." or anything from "Off the Wall." But Liza, Macauley (in a different shirt and seat!), and the LizTaylor2001 watched produdly as their elfin king soldiered on...
Ya know, I used to have respect for Michael Jackson. He was a very talented guy and "Off the Wall" and "Thriller" stand as two of the greatest albums in pop history. BTW, you should all check out the new remastered versions of those albums. They've got great commentary tracks by Quincy Jones and Rod Temperton. It's like the audio equivalent of a DVD. But man, ol' Jacko is such a shadow of his former self. He could not even bear to look at the audience. It was like somebody jammed a quarter up his ass like a jukebox to drone out his greatest hits. And the new stuff really doesn't do much for me. In fact aside from the track here or there like "Scream," "Black or White," and "Smooth Criminal," he hasn't put out a consistently good album since "Thriller." This special, while it looked like it was intended to be a two-hour informercial as to why Michael Jackson should matter to us now (geez, I was expecting Ron Popeil to show up saying "if you act now, we'll throw in Tito!"), ended up being a reminder that he USED to be great, but for some reason, he just ain't..and he should realize that people "just can stop loving him" and he's gotta "make that change." Sorry, that was "bad..." D'oh! Oops...I did it again...wait...oh, screw it...
Some other final thoughts and observations...I know this was taped over two days, but still, it seemed like Macauley Culkin was changing seats and clothes after every number. I wonder if he was just a seat filler like those people at the Oscars...And I was also disappointed at the absence of Emmanuel Lewis from the ceremonies and the non-inclusion of Michael's duet with Britney Spears of "The Way You Make Me Feel"...though Ted probably would have beaten me up if I started ragging on that. (I wonder if Britney thought "The Way You Make Me Feel" was a song by Lionel Richie...) Finally, I think Alien Ant Farm was totally gypped in this...Their version of "Smooth Criminal" stands as THE definitive Michael Jackson tribute to date. Seeing that with Michael Jackson joining them would have validated the existence of this tribute concert...
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home